SIte for Jesse Pasca and notes.

Launching NEW SITE


jpasca.com


Website- with current how to be human project/ landscapes...

Web.mac site

Jesse Pasca project (current) site


Work at the Mehr Gallery in Chelsea

Mehr Gallery in Chelsea

Re Title

Jesse Pasca on Re-Title

Re-Title Painting
Jesse Pasca on Re-Title II

Six Billion Project

Jesse Pasca- six billion project


Saatchi- online

Jesse Pasca- on Saatchi Gallery Online


Artists File online
Jesse Pasca on Artists File Online

Heart as a Stock Market Project

This project preceded my to become human project-- but is very consonant. Here it is-




Stock Market, (my heart as one)
a sort of poetry
Jesse Pasca Copyright 2000-2002


• a quiet amidst the tumult, a quiet deep as moss and as soft as a home’s hearth.

• a seasonal, weather induced feeling that there is no pleasure for me. The light is gone.

• accepting another human being completely, they accepting me. When the tears came, there were no questions

• afraid that i will run out of fortune and be abandoned by everything and everyone.

• after deep exchanges with others the overwhelming feeling of needing time to just think about what happened fills me.

• all sounds of myself haunt me. i have not been true.

• always feeling a pang of loneliness, however lonelier because i feel this way with someone else.

• ambiguity sets in, uncertainty of what i feel, but comfortable with the feeling.

• being asked by another to tell my story- everything set in perspective.

• being present with another person who is present. unafraid, challenged, accepted.

• caged by the projected path i have held. wanting to let go completely of probabilities.

• comfortable with myself yet afraid that i am incomplete.

• conscious of what i need to do, and what to do if i choose to sabotage myself. do i have the strength to smile when i go to bed?

• conscious that i am the dreamer, not the dream- and that i dreamed myself here.

• consumed by the possibilities of the past, the future takes on a crooked shape.

• contentment, someone else is there with me.

• encountering genuine presence. inspiration in others’ stories, in their work.

• eternal existence.

• faith that there is a sense of strength and purpose in creation.

• fear that i am not authentic.

• feeling anonymous, and a bit secure knowing that i exist in the world, and that i am connected to all. i do not have to be better than i am.

• feeling just okay- but having something good to look forward to.

• feeling my nerve endings fire rapidly... my quiet disturbed; the interference comes from within. panic.

• feeling overwhelmed, willing to sacrifice what i have worked for, just to feel freed from responsibility for a moment.

• feeling scared that i might not be able to accomplish what i want to accomplish-if so- then i won’t be able to become myself . wondering if i will have the strength and discipline necessary.

• feeling the rage of billions, wanting to come home.

• filled with ennui and indecision today, ending the day fearful that tomorrow will not be anything different. question: what is wrong with me?

• finding a place where i can be, and be recognized.

• frustrated by my weakness, i couldn’t find that source of purity.

• fueling this existence with all the experiences, not turning away from that which is distasteful. trying to wear the fabric of suffering as well as joy.

• grasping at what it is that i feel, trying to determine who i am, not letting go, trying to find a way to describe myself here.

• having anxiety about having to confront people, memories, or events that were part of my past. unsure of what actually happened after all this time.

• how easy it has been to fall in love with words and images that translate the experience of being alive. Too easy, wanting to kneel toward the earth and kiss the dirt. The words can never become.

• how many worlds there must be! looking upwards after looking down for too long.

• i am appreciating it all, watching it unfold. not too much ‘I’- just watching

• i am condemned to nostalgia for a picture of happiness.

• i am moved by anger . i envision a better place.

• i am torn because i don’t know if what i want will hurt you.

• i avoided being a consumer today. that alone imbued me with more self confidence.

• i celebrate my voice, however dim it may be.

• i greet all emotions with raised eyebrows and provoked thoughts.. embracing and accepting them.

• i have contributed into bringing another person into existence.

• i just am and i don’t know where i am at right now although i know i turned away.. i don’t want to look now.

• i just am and i don’t know where i am at right now.

• i just want to be heard, i just want a voice in this world

• i want a life, no borders anywhere

• i would live this way regardless.

• I, I, I.... i want a community, i want to be a part of something safe-not these wretched borders.

• it matters, it matters. no judgment. WE breathe. The dead (all). we are.

• lasting strength. how could it ever be another way?

• letting the passion burn deeply, it demolished my world.

• letting the passion burn deeply. it was accomplished.

• lonely, wanting to drown for an hour and then breath again for the first time.

• lured by the sensuality’s- all of them.

• motivated by the inheritance rather than the substance.

• motivated by truth rather than icon.

• no control, just awareness and perception.

• no regrets everything for a reason.

• not putting any relevance to whether or not there is a god or a purpose behind creation, just feeling my human weight and strength.

• not turning away, having the strength to give, not only because it could have been me if things were different, but because they are a part of me.

• overwhelmed by the group. the love so present.

• overwhelmed with self doubt, feeling that no matter how strong i may be today, that tomorrow i might unravel like an unfinished house.

• realizing i acted in a way that was a contradiction to what i feel inside so deeply.

• realizing the touches, the sharing only touch the surface. i feel worse than before when i let those touches fill me. emptiness follows.

• scared, not believing that i am humble, scared of shaking those borders

• self doubt, too afraid to lose control.

• sitting in buildings, pushing papers, acquiring wealth, why? what are we doing?

• stilled by touch- no words , no images

• tears came unexpectedly and left an echo of some seemingly unreachable place.

• the anger is overwhelming- i am afraid of being hurt anymore. i rage in silence.

• the art. the losing of the ego- so powerful, imbued with a deep strength- an apparently inexhaustable cord.

• the confusion is external and internal.

• the desire to control, even the desire to control letting go, consumes me.

• the dull acceptance of loneliness is neither excruciating or pleasant.

• the hope, the hope, that happiness might exist.

• the joys lasted today, though i am not sure why. i’d like to think it is because of something i did. maybe it was something i didn’t do.

• the magic is so overwhelming, surfing on the feeling (not thinking it wont last).

• the moment i disappear because i exist everywhere, with everyone. The atoms have consciousness, they have me and i they.

• the moments of bliss, if they were to last, would contain the balance, beauty and service that i seek.

• the pitter- patter of hope reclaimed after a deep and profound loneliness.

• the power of words spoken to me when i realized i mattered in the world.

• the question today is how far i can go. just looking at myself i feel as if something else must begin

• the rage and hatred surrounded me and stifled my breath. I lost my love because i couldn’t find it for them.

• the smile sparked a hope. like a muse it conducted the world through me. i became connected.

• the tears came and left a glimmer of some hope that i hadn’t the courage to have before.

• those touches were authentic, they stirred the deep longing. i feel full and charged.

• trying to love others completely can be a downfall. feeling the effects

• unable to accept that i no longer have some of the opportunities of youth.

• unsettled because the unanswered questions fill the spaces where substance should lie.

• wanting a physical place to find that i can say, ‘there is where i am most myself’.

• wanting to control the outcome, a fistful of ashes.

• wanting to develop my talents, and abilities as a celebration of my life. feeling as if to not excel is vanity.

• wanting to escape the silence, this shadow life of others- wanting to touch this world completely.

• wanting to live at an extreme, intense focus- limiting the variables. balance is dangerous and complex.

• watching without vision, just seeing events without meaning. numbness fills me.

• what do i feel when i feel something? i hold on to the doubt relentlessly, due to a lack of proof.

• what do we know about existence anyway? feeling convinced that i should just crawl into a cave somewhere.

• what is this- day or night? What did i do today? Will i ever see the length of even one moment?

• where does my commitment lie? what is my motivation? why am i here?

• wondering if i will be able to get beyond the fear.

I must keep an open mind, I must keep an open mind

The following, I just lifted from AP newswire- here is a link to the whole article, Article- Halliburton

This is the quote I find mind-blowing:

Halliburton's Iraq-related work contributed nearly $1.2 billion in revenue in the third quarter of 2006 and $45 million of operating income, a performance that pleased analysts. "Iraq was better than expected," said Jeff Tillery, analyst with Pickering Energy Partners Inc. "Overall, there is nothing really to question or be skeptical about. I think the results are very good."

Keep an open mind- "Iraq was better than expected"- am I shocked, no. I am not shocked. Should I be? I guess I still should be, I was at one point. Corporations are so inextricably bound to our idea of how the world works that we need to no longer just imagine doing things differently, but to re-imagine how to transform existing institutions that are so enmeshed in everything- food production, commerce, medicine, energy, etc.

How to transform this?

I must keep an open mind!

Kindness 1

Ok, Experimenting with putting my tiny text pieces on the web. It just doesn't look the same. So funny, the analog goes digital. And just doesn't accomplish the same "aura" among other things.


Here is a detail of the piece- but magnified:

Accent

I was caught off guard by the thick Irish accent of the woman in the Dr.'s office this morning. I was waiting my turn to go inside and couldn't help but be entranced by her accent. I felt conflicted as I was fully appreciating how she spoke, the sounds that she made. I was relishing in her 'otherness' perhaps. However, I felt slightly uneasy- was I so much the center of the experience that her accent was some marker of nostalgia - harkening to some small town in Ireland where she may have once hailed from- to come to this country and jump in with everyone else to this "America?"

After the appointment I went for lunch at a local Mexican place and again found myself in the slice of America that comforts me, the full panoply of accents and foods etc. It made me miss being elsewhere, being in a foreign country, being immersed in languages i don't speak, in the hopes (in my mind at least) that some other faculties kick in and bring awareness to the scene. Maybe all this is coming clear because i need to travel again (something I haven't done much of in the past, but loved it when I did), but perhaps it's something else- perhaps it was easy to relish in the Irish accent just as it is easy to relish in good Mexican Food and the Salsa music in the background. It's far more acceptable to welcome an Irish woman into "America" as she is part of a culture that went through the immigration struggle and forged in the fires of a "melting pot". The Latino population that is all around seems to fit into America less like the melting pot- and more like the salad bowl. Different cultures, languages all find their niche in America, (often the back breaking labor for the majority of the salad greens we eat) without compromising their own cultures. Having said that, there are thousands, if not millions of Latino's and Latina's that are in fact generations deep in America, fully assimilated, as well as those recently arrived who seek to do the same. But I can't escape this realization that relishing in the Spanish accent perhaps is harder(as opposed to the Irish accent) in today's America, perhaps it is actually different, or perhaps somehow there are racist attitudes that I hold, despite not thinking I do. Perhaps those are attitudes of "behavior" (in terms of not relishing a Spanish Accent vs. An Irish one), attitudes that invariably fit a lifestyle, or an American Identity, or social appropriateness or survival. It's amazing how a single thought or observation coupled with a visceral response can happen so quickly- and strike to the core of one's moral compass. I mean all these feelings and thoughts happened in the span of a second or two.

On Being a Man, or not, or Maybe, or What?

I guess I wanted to title this piece in a pseudo humorous way, because there certainly is some humor to what happened to me. I decided to write this post after a conversation with a good friend this morning, after I said to her, just use your brain on this one. She felt I was being condescending-, which to her perspective, I was. I know her to be incredibly aware emotionally, and meant my comment as – use your intellect as well on this- for your decision (not just your gut and your feelings). I thought I was saying that, but I didn't!

This reminded me of this past spring where I got to witness a gender divide first hand- my body stopped producing some of my natural testosterone/other hormones as a result of multiple epidural steroid injections over a short period of time. The humorous title is in part to just put it out there, that there is this incredible difference that I experienced when I wasn't producing my own testosterone.. etc. Maybe for others the difference wouldn't be as profound, or perhaps it would be even more exaggerated. Without real research, who knows where I fall on the spectrum of testosterone producing males? I wanted it funny, because this isn't meant as an excuse for brutish male behavior, nor is it self-abnegating in the sense that I pine for the moments where I wasn't producing testosterone.


I am deeply grateful however that I was able to experience what I did.


And so it began:


In early April, my back was beginning to deteriorate after I reinjured it, so I trotted on over to my pain management guy who began to give me a series of epidural steroid injections over the next few months. I had experienced very good results 8 months earlier after a couple of these injections. In May, after my third epidural I got minimal relief but found that I was in an incredibly good mood. I felt so relaxed and was finding that I was enjoying conversations with friends so much more. I was asking so many more questions than I usually did and felt far less defensive in the world. I was grounded and felt "connected" to the world in a very deep way. I had been doing a lot of healing work as well and definitely made a connection between my new experience of the world to the healing work. About four days into this springtime ebullience I was experiencing, I happened to just notice, or say to myself- hmmm, I haven't thought about sex in about a week. For me, that is a long time. I said hmmm, I wonder if this is physical, or psychological or emotional? Later that day I tried to answer that question, and pretty much came to an answer after trying a variety of 'tests'.


It was physical!


Some immediate thoughts flashed.. I am too young for Viagra, what the hell is happening, maybe.. The epidurals? What the hell can this be??


I left a message for my Dr. detailing my lack of physical normalcy and wondered if it might have been related to the injections. He called me at 7:20 in the AM the next day! I was impressed with his response and even happier to hear the words, "It's a rare side-effect, but it's temporary."



I was able to then enjoy the next few weeks of this altered hormonal state and become attuned to how I was different. It was a great gift.



Recently I've become more and more convinced that it is crucial to become more sensitive to the messages we send whether intentional or not into the world. It's imperative even if it's awkward to start to construct communication with an adherence to what will build trust and bridges between the parties. What I am learning is that just being polite and respectful may not be enough. Our energy must begin to become sensitive to this need as well. This is certainly a goal of mine. I also think the world at large might benefit from less "stiff-arming" the 'competition'. Aren't we sharing this planet?



In June I really benefited from this awareness, and sensitivity to not just what is being said, but how why we are saying what we are. I was in Sag Harbor at the local organic eats store just waiting for my order when a customer and Amy (a very very nice woman behind the counter) had an exchange. I can't remember the conversation word for word but essentially Amy and the customer got into an argument. The man was irritated that he couldn't order breakfast anymore- I think Amy had closed the ordering 1-2 minutes early, at least according to the man's watch. After the argument and after the man headed out, Amy asked me in a way- whoa- what just happened? I remember thinking and then saying- that what the man said actually was pretty accurate in terms of wanting to be able to order breakfast if it was in fact still the time to do so- However, he did so in such a forceful, stiff-armed way, that it was as if he just took a dump on her. It was gross energetically. Coming off my testosterone less weeks I was very sensitive to how brutal his manner was- yet he didn't raise his voice, and he even fancied himself being reasonable in the situation. It occurred to me there is this radical disconnect between how we are and how we are perceived. I couldn't help but feel that "I" had been this man far too many times, without realizing I was an asshole, for lack of a better word. I don't mean to just conveniently be the victim of having testosterone and so I am occasionally an asshole and I can't help it, but I bring it up because I want to somehow make Visible the spaces between awareness of how we are actually in the world to a range of people and how we see ourselves.



Recently I've been speaking with an old student, now friend, Sarah Roberts Hale about her desire as a photographer to capture the space between what a person might be doing and where they "are". She is trying to convey the space between what is and what could be. I think what I am interested in addressing is very similar in that I am interested in this "space" as it pertains to the space not within the self - but between people. How can I illustrate the cross-section of the conversation- how the self perceives the other while being aware of how the other perceives the self? I am very interested in discussing this, partly independent of gender, but perhaps addressing a question I have-



Should some of my maleness (and I don't mean altering my hormones) become a bit attenuated? If part of my maleness has been constructed by culture, should I be actively trying to broker a new space (especially since I so enjoyed the pace and flow of not having so much testosterone)?



Also, I am interested in exploring this in drawings/paintings. On a side note, I saw my ex-wife for a few minutes yesterday- and it was polite, but certainly not warm. She is an artist, and on my way home from work I thought how interesting it could be to collaborate visually to make 'reconciliation paintings' in that we could portray the perceptions we have of ourselves and each other in relationship to the 'trauma'. We all 'hold' on to our perceptions of the other and it is hard to clearly see what is happening independent of our own defenses and constructed position in the world. This is exciting stuff to me.

Moore's Law, Invitation to a new circuitry

I am working on a series- Moore's Law, Invitation to a New Circuitry, unfortunately I need to get my camera fixed. Grr. I'll post pictures as soon as i get the money to fix it. You might think, as I did, that spending oodles of money on quality eqipment might protect me from the camera needing to be fixed within 14 months (conveniently outside of the warantee) If you think this way, i might challenge you, as I am revising my attitudes on this matter.



Regarding the work:

A simple synopsis of it- Gordon Moore- a co-founder of INTEL, observed that the power of microchips doubled essentially every 18 months, given the same physical dimensions and cost to produce it. Over time this proved true every two years and became dubbed as Moore's Law. To date, processing power has doubled every two years since 1965! This is interesting stuff to me, but my exploration of technology has to do with Creating an Invitation- to the viewer to imagine a NEW circuitry- of human potential. The human creative force is the transformative energy- and can be grown, or developed in much the same way as we develop technology. Imagining uses for human potential.. etc.


So the text i am using on the current pieces is simple - one word- Kindness and on each sheet, within the same dimensions the amount of 'kindness' physically doubles(at the least). The first sheet contained over 2200 'kindness' the second is almost done and will have more than 4400, then the next one 8800 and then at least 17600. The explosion of the density is exciting. The title- Moore's Law, and invitation to a human circuitry- sums it up pretty well.


It's a bit new, but as i do more of these works, i am interested in more explicitly interrogating, implementing and exploring the relationship between the analog and digital as the physicality of my work is very analog. Making "time visible" and yet the circuitry and interconnectedness I seek uses the currency of the digital world at times.

People have commented to me that I am extremely digital or that i may be extremely analog!. I certainly can appreciate how i may drive people crazy at times with my 'extreme' views. In some ways i am reeling against extremity. I think it has distanced me from the world- Although, i like the edges- and i believe artists must interrogate the edges of their limits and society at large, much of what i am learning has to do with my orientation to the world. Instead of ignoring the 'center' to some extent and living on the fringes.. i am now living in the center and travelling as i will to wherever i want to go.

For the more functional reader, you might say- "gosh, that's obvious Jesse Pasca". Well, yes, is my response - nevertheless, this is a new orientation for me.

How to be Human (more so)

How to be Human (more so)

The following is my "list" of elements that I take inventory of each day (I began on September 1, 2006) and seek to nurture and grow each day.

• Accept Love


• Ask Questions


• Be aware of boundaries


• Be aware that everything matters


• Be focused


• Be generous


• Be Hopeful (imagine possibilities)


• Be kind – speech


• Be Kind (action)


• Be Patient


• Be Physical- move


• Be professional (with responsibilities in the world)


• Be still- meditate


• Be Truthful


• Breathe


• Connect to Nature


• Create Art


• Cultivate Balance


• Deepen Intimacy


• Eat Slow Food


• Find Solitude


• Have Healthy Sexuality


• Have humility


• Keep a clean house and studio


• Laugh


• Learn


• Listen


• Listen to music


• Live with Modesty


• Love All


• Love Unconditionally


• Maintain personal cleanliness


• Notice surroundings


• Nurture relationships


• Respect Limitations (protect my back)


• Risk deeply but intelligently


• Share Friendship


• Sleep


• Stay connected to reality


• Teach


• Work hard


• Write – reflect

Just a simple list, and i know it isn't the same for everyone- I am always interested in hearing what others think are the qualities that allow them to be more human...

One thing I have noticed in discussing these elements with others is that within my terminology and associations are qualities that others would describe in their own way, and with completely different words. I find that fascinating in that we may actually have more commonality with others but it is the manifestation of particular ways of being that subverts our experiencing such commonality.